I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
