Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
