good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
