My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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