i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
