My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
