I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
