maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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