Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
