I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
