I haven't been this sober since birth.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
