It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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