K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
