if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
did you just send me my own nude
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
