If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
