I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
