I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
