Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
