Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
