im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
