you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
