You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
