he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
