I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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