as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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