She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
