The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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