dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
