my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
