You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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