matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i now understand why vodka
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
