like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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