All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
