There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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