Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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