I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
