According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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