So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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