2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
