So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
