He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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