There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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