Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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