dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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