Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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