I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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