when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
