I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
