I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
