Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
