he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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