i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
