"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
