is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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